The Lies Trauma Tells
Trauma lies to us. Trauma tells us that things will never change but that we will always be the same. It tells us that we are broken beyond repair. It reminds us that hope is futile and pointless. Trauma reminds us that nothing is within our control.
A professor once told me that trauma is what is done to us rather than something that comes from within. Of course, this professor didn’t explain that if we take responsibility for the words and actions of others, it can come from both sides. Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, while not an official diagnosis in the DSM-5, is a very real condition. cPTSD happens when you have numerous traumatic and dysregulating events with no other option but to adapt. To protect ourselves, we internalize and become the things we are told we have always been. As warped as it may sound, sometimes we prove to ourselves that we are as broken as we have been told, that way, we at least have some sense of security.
One thing I find myself explaining more than I thought I would is the concept of cognitive dissonance. Merriam-Webster defines this as a “psychological conflict resulting from incongruous beliefs and attitudes held simultaneously.” In layman’s terms, something doesn’t match, making most of us uncomfortable. Imagine any debate about politics and the two experiences you might encounter. Some people are open-minded, and the discussion is full of thought-provoking ideas; Others are resistant, defensive, and refuse to listen to facts that don’t agree with their beliefs.
I like to imagine trauma as that second scenario but with a more protective edge. When we find ourselves going along with ideas that logically make little sense, it is usually because there was no other option at one time or another. Coping skills like self-deprecation, self-hatred, self-punishment, self-harm, and dissociation helped us survive and create a sense of safety.
We survived, and we did what needed to be done. Never forget that. But don’t forget that those beliefs were never yours to begin with, and here are a few ways to remind yourself of that reality.
If you noticed the words “Always” and “Never,” it’s probably a lie.
One of the most common cognitive distortions I come across are ones fueled by the extremes of “always” and “never.” These two words only give us two sides of a story, both inaccurate in some way. When things are always the same, we stop paying attention to real and perceived differences. When things are never going to change, we tend to ignore how each day is different. My clients probably know these questions by heart, but it doesn’t hurt to keep asking, “Is this telling the whole story? Is this the whole truth and nothing but the truth?”
Did someone tell me this? Who?
Many people who suffer from cPTSD have been told of their deficiencies by others. As painful as it can be, it helps to think of these things in the voice of the person who said them. If this doesn’t work, try naming the feedback-giver (“[Person/Abuser/Perpetrator/Etc.] said…”.) This helps separate that person’s belief from our own and creates a distance between the two. This is an approach called cognitive diffusion that can be helpful when approaching difficult thoughts and emotions.
Own it.
Trauma and shame are heavily intertwined, and we learn early to thrive on shame for survival/safety. In a mix of radical acceptance and cognitive challenging, sometimes the only way forward is through. “What do you mean I failed? I guess I’ll keep doing my thing, and at the very least, I have my failure to rely on when everything else seems unpredictable. What do you mean I’m the reason for everyone’s distress despite all of my efforts to avoid hurting someone else? Might as well keep trying to do my best and hope that, against the odds, maybe I won’t hurt others.”
This may sound contradictory, but it helps us fight against our personal beliefs, values, and emotions, leaving room for new evidence that may not agree with what others have told us in the past. Choosing to accept that our perpetrator/abuser believed that they were right once again creates separation.
Feelings Are NOT Facts
Feelings are irrational, illogical pieces of information. Nothing more, nothing less. Neutralize the feeling by looking through a lens of information and experimentation. Think of a time when you felt one thing and later found out that the feeling was completely inaccurate. Maybe you were scared to go to school or a haunted house, but once you got there, you realized that you had nothing to fear. Or maybe you felt rejected by someone without them realizing they had rejected you. It doesn’t mean the feelings weren’t there or not valid, it just means there might be more to the story.
None of these skills are fool-proof or 100% effective, but they can open the door to change. That is all we can hope for sometimes. For those of you who are paying attention, you may have noticed that I frequently use “we” and “us” instead of “you. This is intentional. It serves as a reminder to all of us that we are not alone. Having a unique experience does not take away from the understanding that can be found when we are open to being understood. That is the last lie that trauma tells us: We are alone. DON’T BELIEVE THAT LIE. None of us are truly alone. Sometimes, we just have trouble finding the connections we’re looking for.
TL;DR
cPTSD comes from trauma, both inside and outside of us.
Feelings of shame and guilt can make the effects of trauma worse.
Absolute thoughts like "always" or "never" are usually inaccurate.
Understand your trauma and how it has shaped your life, both positively and negatively. Try to identify where or who it comes from.
You are not alone.